France. We're dicks to each other, but we don't really mean it.

"Rock Bottom" (rockbottom81)
01/07/2015 at 14:27 • Filed to: None

I posted this as a comment to Mr. Ontop earlier, but since we're all getting our feels-on regarding France, I figured I'd say this a little louder:

I like to think of the American-French relationship as that of a couple adult brothers who live in different states. Sure, we pick on each other constantly and get in wrestling matches when we drink too much at family reunions, but when some other asshole messes with one, he messes with both. When the shit gets rough, we always come help the other. As soon as the storm blows by, we go right back to calling each other pussies and trying to put the other bro in a headlock. We make fun of each other constantly, but we really don't mean it. Deep down, there's feels but we can't say that in public because we're bros and bros arm-wrestle and make fun of the other bro's haircut and shit.

When we were in high-school we got into a pretty big fight where we didn't talk to eachother for a while and always messed up the other's bedroom when he wasn't home (the Quasi-War, for you history-challenged Jalops). We even got some of our punk friends involved (looking at you England, Batavia, and Spain). After a while we all cut the shit and went back to stealing dad's beer together.

Later in life, France got picked-on by that dick down the street, Germany. Twice. Both times we teamed up and kicked his ass with our British cousins. And our kinda slow buddies Canada and Australia helped too. Oh, and some drunk lunatic Russian showed up and got some serious licks in too. Then we all pitched in and helped clean up the mess before we went back home. Now we're all drinking buddies. Well, except for we never trusted that crazy Russian guy, though... he was completely nuts.

This one time, France was feeling a little sentimental and sent a us a gift, out of the blue. It was this big statue of some chick in a robe. Kinda weird, but it was a cool gesture so we put it in the front yard because we're 'Murica and we didn't have an El Camino to park out there yet.

Now, some jerk is messing with their shit, so we'll stand by them and help in any way we can. When it's all over, we'll hug and say "take it easy, dick" and go home because that's what brothers do.

DISCUSSION (32)

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 14:32

I have not enough stars for this. Even with your crack at Canada.

United we stand. And, really, that "we" is "we"stern.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 14:38

Except it was the USA that was slow to both of those wars, not the commonwealths.

Go take a long walk off a short pier, eh?

wkiernan > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 14:38

That picture cracks me up.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
01/07/2015 at 14:40

Psst: I don't think he meant slow to the war. I think he meant that in the joking "dim"/"doofus" sense.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
01/07/2015 at 14:44

I know he was, but I chose to ignore it and turn the insult around >:)

BigBlock440 > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
01/07/2015 at 14:44

It's ok, it sounds like he's one of the "slow" buddies

Sir Halffast > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
01/07/2015 at 14:45

Correct. Hoser.

Rock Bottom > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
01/07/2015 at 14:47

Yeah, my B for picking on The Maple Leaf State. They're cool!

Rock Bottom > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
01/07/2015 at 14:49

It's a long boat ride to Normandy. We came as fast as we could. Sorta.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 14:51

No probs, I wasn't taking it seriously—but I couldn't let that go unscathed :)

Rock Bottom > wkiernan
01/07/2015 at 14:53

Yeah, I'm not one for misusing that particular word (I prefer dick, dongbag, asshat, dooshball, or toolbox), but it does perfectly sum up most brotherly relationships.

Women are all like "why are you guys so mean" and we're like "Mean? That's us being nice!"

Rock Bottom > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
01/07/2015 at 14:54

Ha ha, I think we're all pretty easy targets for the others!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 15:00

It's like the same distance dude. You guys just had to many nazi sympathisers. You should feel bad eh?

haha I know you are kidding, it's all jokes.

but for real, ->_-> :P

philipilihp > Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer
01/07/2015 at 15:00

Shouldn't the "we" extend to humans in general? We're all human. There are a bunch of shitty ones, but in the end we are all humans.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > BigBlock440
01/07/2015 at 15:01

Oh I got the joke, I just didn't acknowledge it.

MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 15:01

Don't forget they got themselves a Lady Statue to match.

Kinja'd!!!

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 15:02

Right again. Jerk.

Rock Bottom > MontegoMan562 is a Capri RS Owner
01/07/2015 at 15:03

LAME.

Smallbear wants a modern Syclone, local Maple Leafs spammer > philipilihp
01/07/2015 at 15:08

We should, but as it stands now, that's a while away. Baby steps.

Also I couldn't turn "humans" into wordplay.

BigBlock440 > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
01/07/2015 at 15:10

And I just felt like calling you "slow", because it was funny.

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again.
01/07/2015 at 15:26

Funny thing on the whole "nazi sympathizers" thing: due to Ford of Canada, there were Ford V8s in service against the Germans from the very beginning . Despite wherever old Henry's sympathies lay...

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Sir Halffast
01/07/2015 at 15:31

Well, I mean, it's hard to predict how much of an assmunch somebody really is. Assmunch.

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > BigBlock440
01/07/2015 at 15:46

Kinja'd!!!

Sir_Stig: and toxic masculinity ruins the party again. > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
01/07/2015 at 15:47

YAY! Now I can use that tidbit without feeling guilty for driving one!

Sir Halffast > RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht
01/07/2015 at 16:02

Why don't you stick the pointy ends of that there maple leaf where the sun don't shine?

RamblinRover Luxury-Yacht > Sir Halffast
01/07/2015 at 16:05

I better stop being even this nice to people. Turning Canadian, I think I'm turning Canadian, I really think so, eh.

ranwhenparked > Rock Bottom
01/07/2015 at 16:07

I've always thought of France and the US being a case of not being able to get along because, fundamentally, we're just a bit too similar to each other in national attitude. I'm sure a lot of French people will hate to hear it, but out of all the EU members, France really does act the most like America on the world stage, and I don't think they should apologize at all for it.